they were bad kitties
Introduction.
Monkey. What can I say about this? The comment I get on this one is something like, “Hey look, it’s grandpa.” Or, “Hey honey, it’s you in the morning.” But I tell people it reminds me of myself. Or this is what my inner child would look like. Every Artist has got to do a self-portrait. This is my morning self-portrait without my coffee. I did this art piece during my dark period. If I have to run to the store to get coffee in the morning, I will do it before I do anything else. Like get dressed. I go in my bathrobe. The worst part is driving to the store because I am afraid I will fall asleep at the wheel. Wearing my bathrobe of course.
I like the look on the monkey’s face of complete agony and frustration. I guess it’s why I like it and identify with it. (I hope you do too) If guess if there is a moral to this story it is, “Life is frustrating. Get used to it. Let go and let God.
Squirrel. This is my portrait after I have my coffee. I feel like I could climb a tree or something. Of course I don’t like driving under the influence of caffeine either. Caffeine overdoses often give me a case of “road rage”. I keep hoping to quit drinking so much coffee someday but then what would I do? Then I would have no excuse for my neurotic attitude. I think the only other reason I could be neurotic is the fact that I can’t ever get a girlfriend. Sometimes I think gals think I am this poor starving artist. Okay so I look poor because I drive an old beat up car. Okay so I’m embarrassed so much by my car I had the windows tinted so no one could see me driving it. Just as long as I have a mocha nothing else matters. Okay I think its time to move along.
Bad Kitties My first roommate had these two little kittens that kept too themselves pretty much and were pretty quiet. However the first week I was there I was wakened in the middle of the night to what I thought was a burglar in the house. My mind instantly went to all the teenage slasher movies I had seen like Halloween. Thoughts raced through my mind that I was about to encounter. I lay in bed and my heart pounded so hard I thought I was going to die. I listened intently to every little noise. Then I heard the patter of little feet running across the carpet. Then I realized it was the kittens. What a relief. But I was still annoyed at the noise. I went out to where they were at and pointed at one the kittens and said, “No Kitty, NO!” But the Kitty just tried to scratch my finger. Then he ran focused on were the other kitty was and ran off to go in for the kill. Unlike a dog I was not able to get the kitten to cower in guilt when I said, “No!” It was as if the kitten was saying, “So what? I don’t care if you’re ticked off. This is my house anyway.” I am the king of the jungle around here.”
Free Kittens This was inspired by a true story of a guy who came by my art Booth at Pike Place Market. I asked him if he had any good bad kitty stories. He said, “Yeah, I have one. I was going by a grocery store and saw this box that said free kitten.” I started to snicker right away because I had a feeling it was going to be a good story. It was as he described how the kitten had terrorized him. Later I saw an ad in the paper for an apartment rental and it said, “Cats ok. With $250 non-refundable deposit.” So I put the two together and there ya go. It’s like the beginning of a really funny animation. In real life it is not so funny. I’ve had people tell me the landlord made them replace all the carpets cause of the cat. Etc.
So what’s the lesson to all this? Nothing is ever free. Even though it comes in a cute box and saws free on it.
Bad Kitties on a good day. This piece was inspired by a customer that told me her cat would knock things off the dresser to get her to get up and feed her. That’s a bad kitty. I have had had other people say the same sort of thing. One person told me that her cat would just sit there and look at her and knock things down as the kitty was looking at her. No shame nothing. Another person told me that the cats was in cahoots with the dog because the cat would knock food off the kitchen table for the dog to eat. Another customer told me that she brought home a new baby kitten and the older cat in the house did actually knock a plant over on top of the new kitten. I guess he didn’t want competition.
Bad Kitties on a Rampage. A friend of mines cat inspired this piece. He would be so mild mannered then all the sudden start racing through the house like it was a wild lion chasing after a wild animal for lunch. Then all the sudden it would stop again. It was so bizarre. My friend just laughed. It seemed like a mature lion or tiger out of a wild animal kingdom TV show. Only in the living room. Or you hear about some ones cat racing through the house in the middle of the night knocking over lamps and anything in its path. Bad Kitties on a Rampage would actually probable make a good movie. I’d had a puzzling time trying to figure out how to word this one. I liked the names of the cats Minnesota Fats, Psycho Cat and Lil’ Stinker. I like the way the dog police came out with one dog on the radio calling for backup and the other with his head out the window.
Bad Kitties behind bars. This piece kind of was spun out of the 50’s movies posters that had a jail scene and some title like “Jail House Rebels” or something. I think it works pretty well. I like to think the cat’s playing cards are playing “Go Fish.” I think this would make a great animation and hope to do it as an animation someday. It would be a good end of the movie scene. Or maybe a beginning of the movie scene. They are tired of being “Jail Birds.” So they plan and break out of prison and find a nice house to take over. They take the homeowners hostage and make them feed them. Sounds familiar doesn’t it?
Do I look fat? How does a man answer this question? There is no easy answer because if I guy says, “No. You don’t look fat.” She says your lying. So I think the best thing to do is when she says, “Do I look fat?” he should then ask her a question, “Do I look stupid?” Chances are you do look stupid so she won’t answer. That’s how you fight fire with fire.
The reason the art part of this piece came to be is because I heard this news story about a guy who became so fat her couldn’t get though the door of his house. Right about the same time I wandered into a pet store and the store cat was just a big fat cat. It was sort of comical just to watch him walk. So I drew this out and put the two and two together. A fat cat who can’t get through the door. People often tell me it reminds them of their own cat. A couple of people had told me that their cat has gotten so fat he has to struggle to get through the cat door. Usually the cat has to scratch at the floor trying to tug his way in and his back two legs are sticking straight out. It’s a pretty funny image.
Pigs don’t answer. Lie. Lie like hell. This was another version of the “Do I look fat?” It like the irony that they’re both pigs and being fat is part of their nature. But I also like the fact that the pig being answer has to think fast and decide between a number of choices. I like the last one, Lie like hell.” Because often no matter how much you try to say someone isn’t fat they want to call you a big fat liar. So you have to make sure your lie is big enough or distracting enough. Something like, “What kind of question is that? I love you just the way you are.” Or “You are the love of my life. Nothing is going to change that.” That’s the John Gray version. But a lot of guys can’t think that way. That’s why it’s best for a guy to say, “Do I look stupid?” Because she will probably want to say, “Yes you do look stupid. I’m surprised you made it past the 7th grade.” But alas she won’t. Because most guys who didn’t make it past the 7th grade turn out to be wife beaters. A little side note. How come you never hear much about “husband beaters.” Is it because it doesn’t happen or is it that the guys that get beat up by their wives are afraid to admit it? “Yes is this the police? Yes my wife just beat the tar out of me. I’m too much of a pansy to stop her. I actually think I have a fear of this happening. That’s why I only date small women. (If I can get a date) I don’t want to date someone who looks like she can beat me up.
Don’t claw us we’ll claw you. This one came from the times when the kitties were in the rampage mood. You want by the couch and this little paw comes out and gives you a paw. It is enough to make you laugh. But for women sometimes it’s not so funny. Like when they are wearing a brand new pair of nylons and the kitten does that. Blam! Big run in the nylons. So much for trying to impress anyone with how neat you are. Then there is the other issue of cat hair. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to spot a cat owner. Just look how much cat hair they are wearing. When you play with a kitten and it sinks its claws in you. Then you have to pull it up gently get its claws out of you. A
Do you know what time it is? I was talking to some customer at my retail space in Pike Place Market about anything funny her cat does. She said, “Well there is always this tension when it’s time to eat.” It got me to reminiscing about times I fed my roommates cat. You dish up the cat food and set it out for the cat. You hope the cat approves of your offering so the cat doesn’t decide that YOU would be a better meal then the cat food.
It’s like you are offering up a sacrifice to the God and you hope the God will approve in order to satisfy its needs. Otherwise you could be in big trouble. I don’t know how cats do it but they create this tension that reminds you to feed them. To put this in more layman terms, “You are the slave the cat is the master.”
Dog dreams. I have always been a big dog lover. And I have always been a big car lover (especially convertibles). So the combination of this piece works really well for me. Sometimes it seems, as though dogs think that they’re are humans almost. If they were to look in the mirror they would probably be shocked to find out they are not humans. But they are frustrated because they can’t do all the things we do. Like open dog food cans with the can opener. And drive cars. I would have had the dog just opening a can but I don’t the art would be as enjoyable. I think this works much better. I should have had a dog chasing the car though. Or maybe a cat or a human. And you thought this job was easy.
Fetch. This piece kind of came out of dealing with my own dog. It just seemed to have a one-track mind. Besides getting food fetch was about the only thing she wanted to do. It was always kind of funny to watch how focused the dog would be about fetching a stick. Kind of reminded me of my basketball days when I thought I was going to be the next Michael Jordan or something. I actually think this would make a great video game because it is nonviolent and kind of cute. I think you could have all these different dog types and different things for the dog to catch and obstacle courses etc. Who knows hopefully I can pitch it to the right game company and get it out on a video game. I think a lot of dogs will like watching the game as well.
Dreaming bear cat. This piece came from talking to a cat lovin’ customer about her cat. I asked her if her cat did anything funny and she said her cat doesn’t do anything funny just sleep a lot. I got to thinking about it and decided there has to be something funny in a cat just sleeping all the time. So I thought, “Well, what would a cat dream about?” I guess I could have had a cat dreaming about opening its own cat food cans as well but I don’t think it would be as interesting. I think this would make a good video game as well.
I brought you a present. I was asking a cat lovin’ customer if she had any bad kitty stories and she said, Yeah. One time I rolled over in my bed and there was a dead mouse on my pillow right next to my face. Then when I jumped up I stepped in part of the mouse. That’s a bad kitty. It is kind of oddly humorous that some cats find it so satisfying to bring there fresh kills to you. It’s like they want you to mount it and put it on a plaque or something. Maybe have the rodent bronzed or something.
Are you looking for trouble? We invented it. I just like this image by itself. I think kittens are so much fun. Especially when you are playing games with them and they dig their claw into your leg. Or they are digging their claws into your flesh and you have to lift them up and out to get them off of your body. Kittens are so much fun when you come home and find the house looking like it has been ransacked like something out of a cheesy detective TV show. And kittens are so much fun when just as you are about to doze off into a blissful sleep you find this furry body stretched across your face trying to smother you. Is it any wonder that these little guys end up homeless or in a cardboard box at a local Safeway with a “Free Kittens” sign on it?
Pike fest. These people was actually a design for a poster contest for a festival at the Pike Place market. I think it came together well. I like the Post Alley cats because Post Alley is a name of a street there. I like the cat playing guitar that is pan handling and it says on his sign. “Will meow for food.” I like the cats hiding in the window above the sign. I like the Rabbits drinking carrot juice and the cows shopping for greens. I like the Mom that is carrying the Coho Salmon and it says above her, “I am so coho-dependent.” To spin it off the term codependent. For those that don’t know what codependent is it is a term that is used to describe a person who is a helper to someone who is dependent on something. Like an alchoholic. Codependents like to enable the dependent person to continue their addictions because they are afraid that they will be abandoned if the dependent person gets well and independent. To help you understand the concept sometimes its better understood in a joke. “How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. The codependent will do it for them.”
Will meow for food. What can I say about this piece? I like the milk being in the paper sack and the tuna can. It kind of reminds me a lot that a cat is so dependent on others for its well-being. Like dogs their only job is to be your friend. (Besides catching rodents, and scaring away other cats.) And dogs being watchdogs. I should paint a cat who is a “Watch Cat” with a “Beware of Cat” sign out front. Anyway it is interesting that there main job is to be a friend and companion.
I hope to do this chartacter as an animation someday as well. I see this character as the wise old cat telling tales from the old days. Like when he was a young whippersnapper.
I’m tired of being a chicken. This chicken piece has been a big hit at the market. I guess its because deep down inside we are all a little chicken of something. I always wanted to date a gal who was a professional counselor. That way I could get some free counseling. I think only a fool is never afraid. I mean I don’t want to join the military and get told I need to run through a field just to get mowed down by some machine gun. I don’t want to be an army of one. I want to be an army of none. If I we were so interested in doing our patriotic duty we don’t have to join the military we just need to drive fuel efficient cars. The war in Iraq is about oil. The thing I can’t understand is people driving around with American flags on their car, and they’re driving some gas guzzling SUV. Lets look at reality. Saudi oil money finances the terrorists’ schools that promote jihad. So oil money finances terrorism. If we want to be patriotic we would look for ways to become more fuel independent. Otherwise the next world war will be over oil. Okay, enough talk about politics. Lets talk about something less depressing like septic tanks.
I feel like I need to stick up for chickens in this cartoon a little. I mean how would you like to be nice and tasty like chicken and be equipped with wings that won’t let you fly? You’d be chicken too.
I don’t know why I have all these little phobias. When I was a kid I used to be afraid of picking my nose because I thought part of my brain might come out. (Maybe that would explain all those bad grades I got in grade school.)
Single White Chicken. I like the Single White Chicken because it reminds me of my attempts at internet dating. I met a nice gal and we chatted for a while. But then she emailed me a “Dear John letter.” She was a data processor and she said I wasn’t her type.
I like the Single white chicken for other reasons as well. Probably because I’m single and I’m white and I’m chicken. In modern psychological terms I guess I’m commitment phobic. But I can’t decide. I think I’m commitment phobic because I can’t even commit to watching a half hour TV show. I always gotta have that remote ready to change channels the second it starts getting boring. Which pretty much describes most of my relationships. When she starts talking about marriage for me its like the commercial time. I either change channels or hit the mute button and go to the fridge. I heard a pastor at a church say that being single is a gift. Being single is a gift. What kind of gift is this? Who wants this gift? (Besides a lot of married people.) For me it is not a gift I want too much. It kind of reminds me of one of those ugly brown plaid sweaters I used to get from my grandma.
Its not so bad being single. Sometimes I see a nice gall for dinner. She keeps asking me the same question though, “Welcome to Taco Bell. Can I take your order?” Sometimes I feel like I’m in this bad reality show about these single guys who can’t get dates. Eventually all the other single guys are going off and getting hitched and I am the only survivor left. Now that would be a reality show I could win.
I have trouble even when I do get a date. Most women think I’m too cheap. At least the last girl I dated thought I was too cheap. Especially when I gave her gifts from the dollar store. That’s were I do all my Christmas shopping too. Why by bratty kids a bunch of expensive gifts like these $400 X boxes when you can get them a gift from the dollar store? If they want to play Nintendo let’em go get a paper route and buy their own stupid video games.
Karaoke Night. I like this piece for a number of reasons. One being when we were kids singing “Old McDonald” it was always my favorite part when we got to the pig singing, “And an oink, oink here, and an oink, oink there. Her an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink, oink.” We always got a good laugh out of that. I also like the pig because he reminds of a lounge lizard. Which strikes me as ironically funny opposites. A pig that’s a lounge lizard. Probably has some gel in his hair. I also like the chicken in this piece because he appears to be the MC and soundman all at once. I like it that he’s adjusting the volume on the pigs’ microphone. And telling some good chicken jokes about how he wanted to be a comedian but he always chickened out. Then he could say, “Oops. Looks like I laid an egg with that joke.” And talk about his bad childhood (or chickenhood) saying, “I grew up in a dysfunctional hen house. Of course there was always someone running around like a chicken with their head cut off.” Or the chicken could quip, “I had a rough childhood. On the playground all the other kids would say come on and fight you little chicken.” I hope to develop the chicken into an animation short.
The Mild Dud. I’ve had some roommates that remind me of this one. I like the cows’ expression on his face. I drew him over and over and couldn’t get a more sedate look that I wanted then this. I like his hairdo. It looks like he just got out of bed. I also like that he has an extension cord running out to the barn. I also like that he’s drinking wheat grass drink and eating oatmeal cookies. He’s watching his ten millionth football game of the season. Probably the Cowboys. And he’s rooting for the other team of course. The reason he’s so lazy is he works for the government. I think he’s a government cow because he’s milking the system. He’s waiting to be sent out to pasture but he’s already in the pasture. I think I’ve milked this joke for all it’s worth.
Bungee cow milkshakes. This was actually my first cow drawing. I can’t believe how much I fell in love with drawing cows after this. There is just something comical about seeing cows doing ridiculous things. It’s kind of like seeing a serious person wearing a suit get a pie in the face. Cows are so bland they remind me of postal workers or security guards. For some reason I am now addicted to drawing cows. It’s like I have “Mad cow drawing disease”. I think cows make great characters for cartoons or future animations. Like “The Mad Cow goes on a Rampage” or “Frankencow meets the Mummy.” Or cow’s in situation comedies or gangster cows doing drive by shootings at the butcher shop. (Getting revenge for butchering Uncle Louie).
The standup Cowmedian. I was trying to think of cows in all kinds humorous occupations and then kind of gravitated towards thinking, “What would a cow say if he were a standup comedian?” I think this came together pretty well. I like it when comedians talk about their therapist and internal struggles like anger management fears and so on. I also like that he is getting mooed off the stage. For me sometimes I like watching other comedian’s bomb on stage. Its like I say to myself, “I’m glad it’s you and not me.”
I like it when comedians tell about there deepest struggles. Like for me, I used to really depressed around the holidays. I used to get so depressed during the holidays that for Christmas my mom would give me a gift certificate to see a therapist.
One time I went and saw a therapist and it didn’t do me much good. I told him I was thinking about killing myself. So he gave me the phone number for Doctor Jack Kervokian.
What would it be like being one of Dr. Jack Kervoirkains patient’s? I would always be saying, “ Are you sure you gave me the right prescription?” You didn’t accidentally have a Freudian slip and give me something that might kill me did ya?”
Sometimes I feel like depression follows me around like a bad girlfriend. I wake up in the morning and there she is staring me in the face. Saying, “You’re useless. When are you going to get a real job?” There are times I think about jumping off a tall bridge just to get away from my depression. The problem is I’m afraid of heights.
Penguins I wanted to do something with a penguin for a long time. While selling my art at Pike Place market there is a lot of vendors selling flowers. Then it finally struck me to have a penguin handing another penguin some flowers. I like the hopeful leaning forward look of the penguin handing the flowers to his friend. And I like the cold looking expression on the other penguin. I like the idea of giving. To cap it off, I then came up with the quote, “ I hope that this warms things up between us.” I think it is a satisfying piece. It doesn’t sell as well as the cat stuff probably because most people don’t own penguins. That would be kind of interesting to have a pet penguin. When people come over they could say, “Welcome. Oh here’s our pet penguin.” And have a little penguin pond in back. Penguins have this comical edge for some reason. I like the way they hobble around in groups and swim and can’t fly. And they live in this barren unforgiving land. Penguins are the standup comedians of the bird world. Other then maybe a seagull because they get no respect.
Rural Support group. This piece kind of came to me as I was thinking, “What if farm animals had a support group.” I like this piece, in that it is not just funny, but has some warmth to it as well. I like it that the cow is talking about his problems and then saying, “I’m just glad I have you guys.” I did this piece at a time when I was heavily into recovery meetings myself so it is one of the cartoon paintings that is near and dear to my heart. I also like it that the chicken and pig have cups of coffee, which is also near and dear to my heart.
I quit drinking back in 1988 and gradually my life has gotten better. In the beginning my drinking seemed innocent but latter it got more serious. I was “a weekend alcoholic” at first but it gradually it became a Sunday and Monday and Thursday night and then every night thing. Finally my drinking caused me to loose a girlfriend I really cared about. The only women who would put up with my neglect. My drinking could no longer cover the pain and depression I was feeling. To borrow a Rodney Dangerfield joke, Rodney joked, “I get depressed when I’m drinking. When I was in the bars they had to ask me to leave so they could start their happy hour.”
I love you deer. The idea for this art came spontaneously as I was thinking I want to draw a deer. The first thing that came into my mind was, “I love you deer.” And it came together that fast. Maybe I could make it into an animation where the deer says, “How was your day deer?” Well I almost got hit by a car and got shot at by a hunter. And how was your day deer?” It’s was okay deer.” Then have them say, “ I love you deer.” “I love you too deer.” Hey could you be a deer and get us a snack?” “Get it yourself deer.”
It could be a cute bit for an animation short. I hope to see it in some of the film festivals.
Say to gals. How old were you when you were born?
I got one of those books on how to get organized and I lost the book.
Breaking up hearing sad love songs. I’m never gonna drink again. Wasted chance that I’ve been given.
Girlfriend I wanted
Getting to old to go to war. Why not? Cranky old men who are gonna croke soon anyway. Save the medical bills.
Give the man a cane and make him look for land mines.
Carol Brurnett. Comedy is tragedy plus time.
I want to start a depression hotline for people that are depressed about getting old. It’s going to be 1-800- OLD-FART.
I’ve done my share of whining in A.A.
I’m mister Right because I’m all that’s left.
I’m your right hand man.
Married
Neil Young.
Bald man look at my hair. I’m a lot like you were.
Women
Driving her SUV to Nordstroms.
Money Banks
Being uncomfortable. I don’t want to do no physical therapy. Just give me a shot or a pill or something.
I am getting so lazy. The only reason I don’t have a suntan is its too much work. You got to lay out in the sun then remember to roll over. Then you have to do all that work putting the suntan lotion on. By then I’m ready for a nap.
Cities named Hell. I’ve been to hell and back. Maybe they can mane another city, “How the hell should I know?? That way when a guys wife asked where he is at he can say, “How the hell should I know?”
Welcome to Nothing. Population 0. Leaving nothing behind. Well that joke didn’t amount to nothing.
I have standards.
See people as interesting.
Rush hour.
Hi. Let me introduce myself. This is myself portrait. One of my teachers in school always used to tell me to stop monkeying around. I think my sense of humor stems from feeling like I was never wanted as a child. One time my dad called the FBI to see if I could be put on the “Ten most unwanted list.” When I was in high school my father used to invite military recruiters over to the house for dinner. He’d say to the recruiters, “Sure you can’t take him right now? He’s a pretty good aim with a bee bee gun.” My dad never liked me. I would be trying to talk to him while he was reading the paper and he would shake his head at me and say, “I should have used condoms.”
My older brothers weren’t much better. When we were on long driving trips. (Eight people stuffed in a car for eight hours that seemed like an eternity.) My older brothers way of being entertained was to see who could come up with the most elegant insult. After that we’d work on our bare-knuckle boxing skills. They were older and bigger then me so it was pretty dismal environment. One of my only consolations was humor. There were occasions were I was able to get even using humor. Sometimes it was humor I had to keep to myself because if I was to make fun of my older brothers I was “cruising for a bruising” as they would put it.
Housework.
Aren’t you glad people wear clothes?
You’re the reason going around naked is illegal.
I’m mad as hell.
Parents. Loading up the station wagon with six kids in it. My dad made a car top carrier out of plywood. My dad was a regular MacGiver. Always remodeling something on the house. Always thought my dad should have been a carpenter or something. We grew up with one bathroom and 6 kids. One of the big phrases in my family was “Hurry up. I have to go to the bathroom.” “What are you doing in there?” “Why don’t you take a picture it will last longer.” Dad finally put in the second bathroom after all the kids moved out. I guess my dad was plumbing challenged.
My Golf career pretty much ended when I put a golf ball through the picture window in the living room. Then I put out my neighbors windshield. I started saying, “I think this hobby is too expensive for me.”
I was always afraid I’d smash the clubs.
Every one’s talking about buying a house. I went and talked to a loan officer. Why do they call them loan officers anyway? Do they get handcuffs and a gun to chase us down with for our payments? I have this nightmare that I will buy a house and can’t make the payment and end up in something like something out of a cops episode. I’ll be running down an alley in my boxer shorts with a loan officer chasing me down the street. Yelling stop make your payment or I’ll repossess your house. Why do they call it repossess? It makes me think I’m going to be repossessed by the devil.
Loan officer, pulled my credit. Said I of my credit history, I don’t qualify. (Kind of reminds me of what my last girlfriend said.)
She said I might be able to qualify if I get my credit score up. It kind of reminds me of what my spiritual mentor tell me. I want to be blessed by God but I need to clean up my credit history first.
Bug bashes make it believable develop a messiah complex this is an act of God. Bad kitties swats finger build buzz fetch do I look fat see the end product in mind when people are enjoying the game or video
Sometimes I feel so unmotivated it makes me want to barf. But I am too unmotivated to do that. I might have to clean up a mess. Its like I am going through life with a TV remote in my hand. Too lazy to get up and do something else. I need a remote. I am not even remotely interested.
Hate Being a Middle Child.
Never get no respect
Never get any photos taken of you.
That’s why middle children end up in prison. So they can get their picture put in the paper. Either they become a criminal or they become a celebrity and get their picture in the paper. Anything to be the center of attention.
Talk to women and say, “I’m getting tired of you. I tired of you being so good looking all the time. Can you do me a favor and put on a few pounds? Go ahead eat a few donuts.
